The Loneliness Behind That Latte.

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My social media is plastered with posts about coffee.  Pics of my Stewart’s Iced, or something I’ve been tagged in; cute memes, play on words, or themed t-shirts.  They are cute, and it’s true, I love coffee, but the reality behind my love for coffee is less than cute.  I live in a world where sleep is scarce, often getting 2-4 hours sleep over a 42 hour period. My workload is heavy, and my husbands multiple health challenges makes him  unable to help beyond the paycheck he earns to keep our family afloat financially and I am BEYOND grateful that he is able to do that so I can stay home with our boys .  While other moms post pictures of nights out “sans kids”, or show a chore completed or the lovely meal their husband fixed them I “like” them but inside I sigh because I know that is not something that is likely to happen for me.  My coffee is the only self care thing I really have.  The Venti Latte seems lush, and lovely and a bit extravagant but in reality it is all he really has as means of helping me.  Often times it is handed to me on his way to bed for the day/night.  So while most women chat with their partner about the days events, or they all do something as I family on a Saturday, my husband is tucked into bed while my kids and I carry on. His presence missing, he says he hopes the coffee at least is a help and he says it is his way of trying to show he cares, even when it looks like he has all but hidden from us.  I joke about my coffee consumption as a means of making me feel a little less like crying, and it keeps me from unloading my real situation on the poor person who asks in passing at church “Hey how are ya?”  But the reality my coffee is the earthly thing that helps sustains me when there are miles to go before I sleep.
Now the real factor to my ability to stay the course, however sloppy the results may seem to the outsider, is my faith in Christ, but that is a post in and of itself!!!

 

Virtual Homeschool Co-op!!!!!!

I’m IN!!!! So excited to be participating in the Virtual Homeschool Coo-op with an awesome group of homeschooling mamas!!! This is my intro video, bare with me I am still learning 😉 I will be posting videos as the assignments for the Co-op dictate, i will still post my regular post for you non homeschoolers who follow my blog 🙂

This response video is my part of the Virtual Homeschool Coop Channel Collaboration. You can find out more at http://www.virtualhomeschoolcoop.com The goal of the Virtual Homeschool Coop is to build the homeschool community of knowledge with collaborations to give voice to all experiences in homeschooling.

Relearning What Love Can Look Like.

As he shut the door to the bedroom all that was within me wanted to scream “stay out with us.. COME ON!!!!” but this year has taught me that by doing that, guilting him into staying out with us I risk ruining a good day and could even hinder or mar his relationship with our kids.

For many people that seems totally backward.  How could staying alone in his room be BETTER for us????  For my husband his sever depression has robbed him of so much, and by proxy us too.  But I learned that when he is drowning, when the waves of anxiety, agitation and depression rage around him his ability to cope is low or non-existent, so a well meaning hug or a game of “climb all over daddy” sends his body into panic, and that instinctive fight or flight sets in.  His response is less than ideal and the kids can’t understand it, so we have learned to reassure them of his love and that daddy is in bed so he can feel better and have fun with them another time, and he always follows through, so they are building that foundational trust, that he will stay true to his word.

This is not at all what I had envisioned our family life to look like but as I relearn what love can look like, I see that atypical as it may be he loves his kids just like any other dad, but that HIS love takes on a different face sometimes as he tries to balance the heavy weight of depression that is countering his love for his family.

 

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A BIRTHDAY RIDE!

A BIRTHDAY RIDE!

I love my little guy! And yesterday he turned TWO!!!! Where has the time gone?? AJ’s labour was long, his birth was traumatic with a 3rd degree tear, and his begining days were spent in a steril NICU hooked to tubes, wires, and machines. His next year would be rough, with illness, and meds, constant trips to pediatricians, and hospitals, but now, at age 2 he is a happy, healthy, and a very ACTIVE little man!!!! I love you baby boy xoxo!!

One of those days!

Have you ever had “one of those days” I was having one yesterday! I woke up with an extreme head cold, the baby is still sick, and I noticed some thrush-like spots in his mouth (after office hours of course) my toddler (we’ll call him AJ) has a cough, and runny nose, oh yeah, and it was my husbands birthday dinner !!  The morning was a write off!! In order to get the antibiotics into the baby, then feed and change him I needed to bribe AJ with chocolate and Handy Manny.  Both boys were fussy, and AJ was running around like crazzy, and not listening AT ALL.  My husband had gotten an email from his boss saying he would be in town and they were having some pretty stressful meetings.  My attempt to take the boys to a local “all in one” kinda shop (gas, icecream, convience foods, snack bar, coffee shop) for lunch and an iced coffee for mommy took TWO HOURS to get ready for.  The day for both my husband and I was filled with multiple issues, and stressors, certainly not the mood he had hoped for on his special day.  By the time he got home the last thing he wanted to do was be social.  We made it through dinner, cards, and gifts, but forewent dessert, then came home to crash.  We were exhausted and honestly not in a good mood.  But then, true to form, our little guy snuggled up next to daddy and gave him a big hug, said “HAND” and led him to snuggle in bed.  It made me so thankful for the love we share as a family, that even in the thick of it all our son knows that a little love goes a long way, and that we are able to put aside our stresses, and love him right back!!