The Loneliness Behind That Latte.

starbucks-venti-chai-tea-latte-caffeine

My social media is plastered with posts about coffee.  Pics of my Stewart’s Iced, or something I’ve been tagged in; cute memes, play on words, or themed t-shirts.  They are cute, and it’s true, I love coffee, but the reality behind my love for coffee is less than cute.  I live in a world where sleep is scarce, often getting 2-4 hours sleep over a 42 hour period. My workload is heavy, and my husbands multiple health challenges makes him  unable to help beyond the paycheck he earns to keep our family afloat financially and I am BEYOND grateful that he is able to do that so I can stay home with our boys .  While other moms post pictures of nights out “sans kids”, or show a chore completed or the lovely meal their husband fixed them I “like” them but inside I sigh because I know that is not something that is likely to happen for me.  My coffee is the only self care thing I really have.  The Venti Latte seems lush, and lovely and a bit extravagant but in reality it is all he really has as means of helping me.  Often times it is handed to me on his way to bed for the day/night.  So while most women chat with their partner about the days events, or they all do something as I family on a Saturday, my husband is tucked into bed while my kids and I carry on. His presence missing, he says he hopes the coffee at least is a help and he says it is his way of trying to show he cares, even when it looks like he has all but hidden from us.  I joke about my coffee consumption as a means of making me feel a little less like crying, and it keeps me from unloading my real situation on the poor person who asks in passing at church “Hey how are ya?”  But the reality my coffee is the earthly thing that helps sustains me when there are miles to go before I sleep.
Now the real factor to my ability to stay the course, however sloppy the results may seem to the outsider, is my faith in Christ, but that is a post in and of itself!!!

 

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Relearning What Love Can Look Like.

As he shut the door to the bedroom all that was within me wanted to scream “stay out with us.. COME ON!!!!” but this year has taught me that by doing that, guilting him into staying out with us I risk ruining a good day and could even hinder or mar his relationship with our kids.

For many people that seems totally backward.  How could staying alone in his room be BETTER for us????  For my husband his sever depression has robbed him of so much, and by proxy us too.  But I learned that when he is drowning, when the waves of anxiety, agitation and depression rage around him his ability to cope is low or non-existent, so a well meaning hug or a game of “climb all over daddy” sends his body into panic, and that instinctive fight or flight sets in.  His response is less than ideal and the kids can’t understand it, so we have learned to reassure them of his love and that daddy is in bed so he can feel better and have fun with them another time, and he always follows through, so they are building that foundational trust, that he will stay true to his word.

This is not at all what I had envisioned our family life to look like but as I relearn what love can look like, I see that atypical as it may be he loves his kids just like any other dad, but that HIS love takes on a different face sometimes as he tries to balance the heavy weight of depression that is countering his love for his family.