I sat on the bed sobbing. Little E layed there screaming for me to pick him up. His little lamb like cry broke my heart, because I knew it meant he was hungry, and yet I dreaded picking him up, i dreaded putting him to breast because I knew that soon my milk would let down, and then the pain, disrest, and anxiety would kick in FULL FORCE, that pit in my stomach feeling of dread, and fear. Of course I would pick him up, and I did put him to breast, and as anticipated the minute my milk let down the negative emotions kicked in. The Breast Feeding educator in me recognized this as D-MER (pronounced “Dee Em E Are) a condtion affecting women during or before let down ONLY. It is not post partum depression although because I was suffering from PPD the DMER associated feelings lead to much guilt. How could I not want to feed my child, this MUST mean i am a bad mother! Even though I knew I didn’t choose these emotions my PPD altered my thought process to make myself think that. My almost 2 year old would run wild while i fed, it was as if he knew I was physically unable to interveine, and emotionally lacked the capacity to discipline from where I was. At 2 weeks post partum I hit an all time low. I was a mess, I was crying every feed and a few times above and beyond the every 1.5 hr feeding schedule. I feared my mental health status would interfere with my ability to parent the way I wanted to, and so I met with my midwife who emphatically said “thats it honey.. the boobs are going away!” She begain to explain to me that at this point, the anti depressents that I needed , in the doses required, combined with their inability to effect the DMER meant formula feeding and meds was our best option. She could tell I was fighting the tears back, I finally have a milk supply and THIS happens?? WHat would the crunchy community say? How was I going to take a botle of formula to the Non-GMO education/seed exchange event. I can’t go to the farmer’s market and buy orgainc fruits and veggies then hit up wally world for powdered nutriton could I? She hugged me, and looked me in the face and said “You are still all of those things! You still use Mama Cloth, you stil have a cute stash of cloth diapers, you still babywear, and you still believe in your own brand of crunch, and if anyone dare to say anything (which it is none of their bussiness) you tell them Sue (your MIDWIFE) said ‘the boobs are going way’
I am now 8wks ppd, the meds have reached full effect, and baby has adjusted to formula. I still baby wear, I still love Ina May, and have not sworn off the farmers market. Am I happy 24/7? No! Am I better? Yes! Did i make the right decision? yes!